It's the acid; everytime I do it things just seem to smoooth out, like ex-laks.
After the Sugar Shack (bakery) I got drawn into watching some fisherman clean their one salmon.
I'm puzzled by my inability to "come to terms" with death, MY death, that is. I have, for decades advocated for the right to end one's life when one chose. I'm now struggling with an irrational anxiety that may be able to be alleviated.
Micro-dosing has brought me along, but I feel I'm running out of time. I know myself well enough to realize I sometimes get stuck and a facilitator could be helpful, particularly when partaking of what's called a "heroic" dose. It's interesting being in a geographic area that has recognized the need and is moving to meet it. There are, at some of the Service Centers, waiting lists.
It was time to find a place to have the conversation with Evelyn, the psilocybin facilitator.
Eventually, I found the McIntosh Slough bridge; its attraction was so strong I considered sleeping under it.
I chose Evelyn for her attitude...mainly these two paragraphs:
My studies have led me to believe that our minds co-evolved with plant medicines and that they are basic human need. They provide our minds with non-toxic, non-addictive chemicals that are essential to self actualization. Unfortunately, many of us in this world have been systemically distanced for over 1000 years from entheogenic use like that of our ancestors.
A consequence of that distance is that many generations of negative thought patterns based on unresolved traumas have been solidified as core beliefs and passed down to us as culture and society. Plant medicines can be used as a tool to break that cycle, and to scrape away the influence of society, culture, your parents, and your trauma while empowering your inner truth to take control of your life.
While many people eshew "help," I've found it to be tremendously beneficial. The results have been unimagined, and that, "unimagined," is key.
It's my experience I don't know what I don't know. By working with others, I've discovered perspectives that were beyond my imaginative capacity. And they've enriched my life in so many ways I spend much of my time cogitating and marveling at the ever-broadening spectrum of layers and concomitant emotions.
But (sigh), it's true, I'm an inveterate navel-gazer.
The area was spotless,
obviously a trap for the unwary.
Facilitators are required to ask several questions. One is: Have you ever had suicidal thoughts or attempted to harm yourself or others?
The use of the word "ever" is, as she acknowledged, problematic since most people have, at one time or another, considered the idea. My answer amounted to "No."
Another question asks if I have any life-threatening conditions. This one resulted in her giving me this website spiritpharmacist.com and encouraged me to ask if imagined exertion such as running, while under the influence, could result in death.
Given the level of my angina, she didn't think she had enough experience to go forward but said she'd talk with a couple of facilitator-doulas and get back to me inna few days. I decided to wait until I've talked with the doulas before paying the pharmacist's $99 consulting fee, but the fact the website exists is, to me, encouraging. After 50+ years of demonization, entheogens are being recognized for their positive effects and a supportive infrastructure is taking shape.
Today, 10.Aug., I had a conversation with a legal assistant with Compassion & Choices. My legal questions were about the facilitator's liability in the event I died. I also wanted to talk to someone about instituting a change to the law that requires a prognosis of death within six months. Being able to predict is something oncologists now offer, but the cardiologists I've talked with have been unwilling to go out on the limb. What then?
Camp - Elliot State Forest
On a different level but similar vein, EXIT International is now helping people take advantage of Switzerland's Aid In Dying program. There, people can obtain a lethal dose of medication pretty much for the asking. All they need is to get there. And helping them is EXIT's latest undertaking (pun intended).
Yes, we are all running out of time. Your life, especially your nomadic life, appears to one of exploration, reflection and appreciation. With that, yours has been much better than those of us who drudged through too many decades in too many cubicles. Time cannot be made up. My growing sense of some end is that I'm tired and really care less about more. Never will I say that I wish I more to look back on but I do understand the choices at some forks were bad choices, inhibited and restrained to no positive end. The counselor appears to be a good choice but her concerns re your cardiac inevitability and her youth seems like a small red flag. Are there others, longer in tooth?
ReplyDeleteArt,
DeleteI continue to be amazed that things have turned out as well as they have. Much of my life has been spent wrangling demons and I didn't really expect to make it this far.
I've been lucky....FAR luckier than most. And yet, it's only been the last few years I've gained any perspective. You sound as if you can see yourself...how you are, the way it's been. I haven't a clue. People respond to me as if they KNOW me. I'd like an inkling of what they see.
But finding Evelyn is an example of my luck. I needed a massage and by luck found Connie in Crescent City (California). She introduced me to a massage therapist in Eugene who gave me the idea of looking online for psilocybin facilitators. As it happens, The Oregon Health Authority has a list of about 30 facilitators of which a dozen have websites.
I started at the top and read every bio. I've met psychonauts whose psyche's were so strong they were innurred to outside influences.
(A buddy who graduated when I did went to Saudi to map the desert. On his return to ABQ he'd lay in a supply of several kinds of psychedelics including organic peyote and a pound or two of the finest weed available, sit back & watch football on tv. When I came over he said to help myself to the peyote on the stove. He'd brewerd up a 2.5 quart pot of "tea" in which floated the buttons. I dipped in with a beer mug & asked him what he was doing. He said two hits of acid, the peyote & he was smoking a joint. I can't stand tv, let alone football, so after a swig from my glass I left. Dave was amazing! He eventually married a Thai woman and inherited 7 houses and their attendant families and disappeared.)
But MY psyche has been, since early childhood, a basket of eels. Having reached my "majority," I've worked at improving my vetting-of-therapists skills.
In her "About Me," Evely recognition of music's influence impressed me. She mentions Tantra and, above all, she doesn't use that vacuous phrase "holding space." I too noted her youth but I've been, as Joel Chandler Harris gave Br'er Rabbit to say, "fotched up on my behimes" by a few of the youngsters I've met along the way; they're out there, bless their hearts, but I attribute my finding her to my luck in finding Connie.
When she said she'd consult on my behalf I almost asked for someone as you describe. But in a truly rare moment decided to keep my peace.
Evelyn herself saw the red flag and I've withheld details to protect us all. Liability, though rarely exerted in these waters, can, if inclined, extend its tentacles.
I appreciate your openness. I'm feeling a touch of Nervous-Nellyness as I struggle to articulate my process; it's a challenge to expose myself to this degree and counter to my cultural doxa (conditioning). It is for me, again with an especial nod of appreciation to the women, an incredible journey. And each of you, in your own ways, is contributing.
I have, on numerous occasions, mentioned your characterization of our cohorts' attempts to "gain traction." Your sly humor and inferences are muchly appreciated and admired.
I've gleaned insights from reading about *Brewed Journey's* family. John, Julia and their children are paragons of indomitable spirit. I've been inspired by each of them.
Recently, Hollis asked me about my guile, prompting an even *closer* scrutiny (during my last "dose") that resulted in a clearer sense of self.
I could feel guilty about my narcissism, but I'm angered by the sparsity of pre-death wisdom available. In rereading my post from 30.Sept.2016, there's a link to a Hopi Prophecy on Katherine's blog.
https://sabbesattasukhihontu.blogspot.com/2009/11/hopi-prophecy-prophecy-from-hopi-elders.html?m=1
It's a small taste of a perspective I hope to explore in my own way. But I'm not Dave; I want company.
That was your guileLESSness, Michael. Thinking now about this interesting post and discussion. More later.
ReplyDeletelook what popped up in the Times this morning: psychedelics & choosing a facilitator. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/06/03/well/mind/psychedelic-therapy.html Can't access? I can "gift it"
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the link to the Hopi prophecy. There's a lot there that rings true to me. I've always felt a need/desire to hold on to life as tightly as I can for myself and my children (especially Justin). We all have our own journeys, and I respect, if not quite understanding, the place that you are at.
ReplyDelete