The Gift Of Time

I once asked my philosophy professor what was most valuable. "Time," he said. A month later his car went off the freeway, over an embankment and he had infinity. Some said it was suicide, that he'd discovered his wife was having an affair.

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"May this year be splendid," she wrote.

Yes....splendid. That's the way we like it.

For about a year, coffee disagreed with the heart meds so severely I had to give it up. Lately, every other day or so, I've been able to drink an ounce; it's superb. Now, back under my new, down quilt, this is, at least when soloing, as warm & cozy as it gets.

The wind is picking up. The forecast was for rain so all my luggage had to be piled under plastic. I even managed a late afternoon "bidness" to avoid having to go out in the morning dank. So far, so good.

I'm increasingly grateful for the time. I get to delve deeper as -- at the same time -- I lose contact with a broader knowing. The trade-off is for simpler, more child-like feelings. But they're nuanced by an adult perspective and I'm able to appreciate the subtlties even more.

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There's a clarity in the mornings that's been emerging these last few months. The nightmares have morphed into entertaining movies...evidence of fundamental shifts.

I look foward to using the evening "lows," a symptom of tiredness, to suss out "unfinished business" as Kübler-Ross calls it. It's been interesting to see how her (she-of-the-Capri) listening -- unconditional regard Rogers calls it -- has/does somehow shifted/shift things so they can move on through...or become movies.

My physician once asked if I were having any twinges. When I replied in the negative he didn't say anything further...and I didn't think to ask. Now, perhaps, the answer is self-evident.

I mention it to track the process...I've had sufficent drama, thank you. Still, it's annoying to see how little support there is. Much of the research in psychedelics is in helping terminal cancer patients get over the fear of death, but I've yet to hear of it for us coronary folks. 

I've interviewed five Death Duolas. One wanted to help me find God. The others offered help in writing a will, filing advance directives and counseling the bereaved. The dying, poor devils, are on their own.