Just Keeping Track

Years ago, a therapist commented that a mark of maturity was denoted by a person's ability to handle ambivalence.

My most recent echocardiogram, a month ago, showed that in spite of two blocked arteries my heart was doing a decent job.

The pain inclines me to think that without the "meds" the angina'd escalate into another infarction, or heart attack. Although as with cancer everyone is different, statistics indicate it's the 2nd one that does people in.

Following a recent suggestion of adding Fu Fang Dan Shen Pian to my regimen has made a significant difference. Although the Chinese herbs work differently than the drugs from the corner pharmacy, they alleviate the pain much more quickly, for longer periods and with much less impact on my digestive system. I have yet to find a way to determine if they're simply having an analgesic effect or if they're doing any good. But hey, whatever works, eh?

Of course, if some of the plaque lining my arteries breaks loose, wends it's way past the heart and blocks an artery to the brain it could be curtains....or worse, not quite curtains - paralysis. You might enjoy The Diving Bell and the Butterfly,

an interesting story by a Frenchman who was "locked in" by a stroke at age 43. He died after a year.

And, of course, there're myriad other things that can give out or happen; sepsis is a common one that recently ended the life of the woman singing in this blogpost.

The ambivalence revolves around how long to wait before throwing in the towel. As a subscriber to the Peaceful Pill Handbook, the distraction of contemplating options (sort of like a Sears Catalogue of old) helps ameliorate the ambivalence.

Right To Die & The Peaceful Pill Handbook

UPDATE 6/13/20
For many years helium was touted (by the now-defunct Hemlock Society) as the most accessible means. I tested it in 2014 and it felt like having a hive of bees lowered over my head. I think the feeling was due to a numbing effect.

In 2015 I tested carbon monoxide by lighting the two burners of my Coleman stove inside my Geo Metro hatchback, the car I was then traveling in. It was winter and very cold outside so the heat was welcome. The gas was a very mild soporific that induced only the slightest of pressure in the area of my frontal lobe; not enough to even begin to call a headache and barely noticeable. But it took two weeks for my mind to fully clear.

Recently, in May of this year, I tested nitrogen. It is extremely fast and very gentle...no side effects at all. I only took four "whiffs" but that was enough to narrow my vision and bring me to the edge of consciousness. It took about 20 minutes for the acute effect to wear off and about 24 hours for it to completely "clear."

I recently finished reading Dr. Nitschke's autobiography, Damned If I Do. I can't recommend it enough! It's an excellent tale of his (and his partner's) courage and willingness to help others. Dr. Nitschke seems to prefer carbon monoxide. In the interests of testing, I ordered formic and sulphuric acids from

https://www.dudadiesel.com

a supplier of the two chemicals needed to produce CO.

When my order didn't arrive I contacted Dudadiesel and was told they automatically cancel orders that include both. Be advised.


In December of 2017 I turned 65. As a gift to myself I bought a subscription to The Peaceful Pill Handbook.  The subscription includes a monthly newsletter from EXIT International.

I had a vasectomy at age 22. Although I suppose I MIGHT have been able to do the job myself, I did not have the necessary license to obtain or administer the anesthetic. And even if I had, I still lacked the coordination and certainly the expertise; it was much easier to pay someone.

The surgeon was surprised at my youthful age and asked me several times if I was sure. But there was never any question of my legal right.

Now, as we enter our "twilight years," many of us and/or our loved ones face the possibility of criminal prosecution for simply being present when someone ends their life.