Friday, November 23, 2012

Tryin' The Ozark Trail (stove)

UPDATE 4/11/13 - The regulator on the Ozark gave out a couple of weeks ago (after less than three months use) rendering the stove inoperable. I looked online for a replacement but couldn't find one. I DID find lots of reviews -- many of which had similar experiences. I bought another Coleman Flame-thrower. You can't simmer anything, but at least it works. (see post: 11/16/12 Coleman Jus' Ain't Makin' Em like they Yoost Tuh) Anyone have a Cook-Partner for sale?


How's that aphorism go...if at first you don't cum, scream, scream, some more?

Even I know it's inappropriate to cum in Walmrtz. But there I was, once AGAIN perusing the stoves. When I 'splained about "Touchie" the Coleman, the guy at the sporting Goods counter whupped out his carpet knife and, within seconds, had thet Coleman mohunker settin' thar jus' as purty as you pleez. I showed him how the knobs boomerang about an eighth of an inch when you release 'em. He encouraged me to return mine.

As you know, there are only three camping supply houses left: WalChina; Oh, dahling, you-look-Devine REI; & Sprotzminz Wayrhouzer. When buying adult toys and stoves I prefer to be able to fondle the moi-chin-dize. I mean, I want to check these things out, dontchya KNOW? So that rules out online.

I went through some serious moments at Sportminz where the helpful young lad informed me "they" discourage floor-walkers from opening boxes. I explained as how, unfortunately, I just COULDN't bring myself to part with $89.00 plus tax, without SEEING it. He said he'd take the heat and we proceeded.

I strolled out with my new purchase tucked under my arm. At the car I placed it on the roof while I got the door open. As luck would have it -- I am Lucky Herrmann, after all -- there, peeking out through the opened end, was a dent!! A DENT by god!! Corrr!! In a boxed unit with a 30-day-return policy!! If it warn't fer the beneficence of the Cosmic Furball (a cat, of course) I'da been STUCK. I mean, they'll take it back if yuh have the receipt and yer times not up, but what if THEY had noticed a DENT? As Grandfather said to Peter, "What would you do THEN?! (From Peter & The Wolf by Sergei Prokofiev) So I took it back and counted my lucky stars I escaped from a retailer that sells damaged goods.

Devine was brief. They only had a couple of Primus Desktops and they were both around the price of a vintage Lamborghini.

I trudged bak to Wal-world where I
Inside, out of the wind
 took the Ozark up to the counter (a different store) and explained about Sprotzminz discouragements. A clone of the other guy, he too whuppt out a blade,  and slit the hymens (tape). He listened while I 'splained about "Touchie" and watched with interest as I tested the Ozark's knobs. (Not dissimilar to feeling a vibe, lube or other adult toy, but wayyyy less evocative.) They stayed put; it looked promising. I paid and made my way back into the open air.

To go on a bit....the knobs are sensibly positioned under the burners (What's WITH putting them next to each other at the FAR right, Coleman?) and, as aforementioned, they don't spring back a quarter inch -- or was it an eighth? -- when you turn them. The Ozark lacks a carrying case though, which means doing without a built-in bear/raccoon/javalina alarm.

The regulator/connector fits snugly in a clip underneath. The wire rack over the burners is held in place by a wingnut at each end underneath. Removal for cleaning is a bit tedious, but looking on the bright side, it works great as a handle. (AFTER it's cooled, fool!)

Since it doesn't have windscreens, a bottom (the underside is open) or lid, it's ALOT lighter. But being lid-less (in Gaza?) means the splattered oil, spilled coffee and food particles (javalina/bear/raccoon enticements) are always lying about ready to get on whatever comes in range. So I keep it in a pillow case. Cotton (Not eL Bean certified tho), as you know, is one of the finest dust screens. (Ferrari's have 100% cotton air cleaners.) Still, without a protective case it's "at risk" so I watch where I put it. You should where you put it that is. And always, ALWAYS practice safe sex. (Have you heard about the new, impervious, strain of gonorrhea?)

Anyway, hopefully this'll all help keep you from getting hauled away for screaming (it's inappropriate, dontchya know?) in Walmertz. Whatever.

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