I first noticed the angina a couple of years ago. As it became increasingly hard to ignore, I began to fantasize it would be a source of deliverance; that it'd culminate in a fatal episode.
At my annual physical in January, I asked my physician for an MRI in order to assess the aortic aneurysm discovered in the x-rays taken after the accident in December 2018. But the soonest appointment was in March; I didn't want to hang around Albuquerque that long.
As the angina and shortness of breathe increased over the months I grew increasingly ebullient. I've wrangled suicidal ideation since age 7 and now, at last, I could anticipate a "natural" means of exiting. Then came, on the 16th of last month, the Near-Death-Experience (NDE).
From beginning to end was about three hours, but the peak, a period of timelessness, I estimate to have been about an hour.
It started with an increasing shortness of breath that prompted me to spread my sleeping bag on the ground. At its peak I lay on my back, my entire body, except for the area of my sternum, numb. My hands had curled into claws; the muscles in my arms contracted bringing my forearms up slightly with my hands rotated toward me.
At one point, prior to full immobilization, I started to panic -- I imagined being permanently disabled like this -- and attempted to get to my pistol. But it was too late. I managed to raise myself onto one elbow, but could get no farther. As I sank back a "voice" in my head said, "Don't be afraid, it'll be okay." "Oh Boy! This is gonna be good," I thought.
As the paralysis deepened, I transitioned through several phases. There was a period of sorrow at leaving my loved ones knowing that, even when not in immediate proximity, we feel and appreciate each others' "presence."
There was a phase in which I felt the need to "cover my ass" by asking forgiveness of the gods. I went down the list: Muhammad, Yahweh, Shakti, Vishnu, Wotan (Odin) and several others, including even Christ, assuring them I'd done my best in spite of, in retrospect, an occasional act of carelessness. (I reminded them I am German and never make mistakes) My Dad, a double agent in the second world war whose slightest misstep would've meant his life once said, "There's no such thing as an accident, just carelessness."
As full paralysis took hold, I could hear myself gasping for breath, but I was separated from my physical self and felt no discomfort. The sun was behind Phoebe (my car) and I could still see. The clouds, fairly high up and thin, appeared to be racing by; I felt as if I were leaving my body; that it was merely a carrier for my consciousness and now I was done with it.
My sorrow at leaving my loved ones had dissipated into an acceptance of the ineffableness of melding into the infinite. Consciousness was drifting into a vaguery - a useless concept. But there was still enough to enjoy a sense of relief at being freed from it and a slight enthusiasm of anticipation.
Then, as the sun peeked around the upper edge of Phoebe's corner, it stopped. And in that split second I knew I was going to live. And the fury and joy that exploded into my awareness had me both violently despondent and gloriously happy.
And then the phone rang.
I managed to get up and crawl to the car. It was Kristen. Hearing my sobs, I was both furious and joyful, she, being a retired Ph.D. therapist, switched into professional mode and commanded, "BREATHE!"
A few moments later, after determining I was gonna continue (breathing) she, being in a risky (we're not "out" except to her husband) environment, hung up.
I sat for about 20 minutes and called Michelle. I'd emailed her before the paralysis took full hold with instructions for applying for my Social Security benefits, a list of folks to notify and other details to attend to after my death.
We talked for a few minutes but I didn't have the strength to continue. I sat for the next two hours, watching the ambivalence of a missed opportunity (to leave) and the realization of being given another chance.
Y'know death don't have no mercy in this land Death don't have no mercy in this land, in this land Come to your house, you know he don't take long Look in bed this morning, children find your mother gone.
I said death don't have no mercy in this land. Death will leave you standing and crying in this land, Death will leave you standing and crying in this land, in this land, yeah!
Whoa! come to your house, why' know he don't stay long, Why' look in bed this morning, Children you find that your brothers and sisters are gone. I said death don't have no mercy in this land.
Death will go in any family in this land. Death will go in any family in this land. Come to your house, you know he don't take long. Look in the bed on the morning, children find that your family's gone.
I said death don't have no mercy in this land. Death will leave you standing and crying in this land, In this land. whoa! come to your house, Why' know it don't stay long, why' look in bed this morning, Children find that your brothers and sisters are gone.
I said death don't, death don't have no mercy in this land.
